Did You Love Him?
by Tiva4evaxxx
Summary: A post His red right hand one shot thing. That night, seeking comfort Jane and Lisbon spent the night together. The next morning she reflects, and they talk about it. Jisbon! Mostly Hurt/Comfort and romance, but a little angst thrown in as well.


**Another one shot... This one's better than the other one, well, i hope :P I hope you like it... It's a post His Red Right Hand thing, i'm a bit late i know, but it just sort of came to me!**

**Disclaimer: Do i have to say it again? *sighs* They're not mine *sobs* **

She lay awake, curled into the man next to her, a sheen of sweat covering her forehead, and it wasn't from the comfort sex they'd had earlier. No, she was awake because of the nightmare. Running... and blood, so much blood. She felt dirty, and guilty when she didn't have any reason too. She felt selfish, but that was justified, she had been selfish last night. Needy, longing to be held by someone, well not really just someone, well not simply just someone, more specifically _him_. But that had been selfish. Of course, he had been the one to arrive at her doorstep, perhaps knowing where it would lead, perhaps not. They had both needed it. They always needed something after a Red John case; it had just never been sex until now. But this was cruel, and the repercussions would be harsh on both of them. She cursed herself for being weak, for sleeping with him; it was an unbelievably selfish act, and she had only done it because of Bosco, because of the other agents. That was, at least, what she was telling herself.

It wasn't because she was falling for her annoyingly irresistible consultant or anything... anyone like that.

Not at all.

And now, they were lying in her bed, in her apartment, after he had ruined sex with any other man for her... and she was left feeling selfish and vulnerable, but wanting so much more. She was hurting, inside. Her heart hurt, she didn't know how she should be feeling, happy, or sad, scared, or comfortable... but she _was_ feeling. She knew that, but right now, it being most prominent, the only emotion she could distinguish was the hurt.

Why is it that everything in life is painful? The world is full of pain; it was why she withdrew herself from everything. Locked people out. Because when you let them in, when people get close to you, it hurts more when they let you down. And they will. It was inevitable. Its why, until now, she had actively tried to avoid falling in love. It turns out that, when it actually happens, you don't realize, until a day like today when you wake up, you look at the man in your arms, and with a huge pang you realize – you've fallen or are falling in love and that it's too late to turn back now.

You know how she knew this? Because of the fact that no matter hard she wanted to, she simply couldn't pull herself away from Jane's arms. Or maybe, it was just her general lack of self control when it came to him.

"What's wrong," His voice was drowsy, but he was awake, quickly, she withdrew her arms from him, apparently her self control was better when he was awake.

_Everything._ "Nothing,"

"No, really," he said getting up and turning over,

"So the fact we slept together last night doesn't bother you in the slightest?"

He looked at her, "Do you regret it?"

"Don't answer a question with a question,"

"Well, do you?"

"Yes, this changes everything," the panic was building up in her, and he could see it in her eyes.

"Calm down, what else is bothering you?" He asked, looking at her in that psycho analysy way that he did that really annoyed her.

"Stop looking at me like that," she said,

"Looking at you like what?"

"This isn't a joke Jane,"

"You called me Patrick last night,"

"Last night was last night, this morning is this morning,"

"Fine, but are you going to tell me what's wrong?"

"Just had a dream, that's all,"

"About what?"

"It doesn't matter,"

"So it's okay to have sex with me, but you won't tell me about your dream?"

"Stop it, okay, I feel bad enough already... this, this was a mistake, look, please go,"

Hurt flashed in his eyes, and this time the pang of guilt she felt was well deserved, "You're upset,"

"It would be best for both of us if you just left," She said, holding back the tears in her eyes and edging further away from him in the bed.

"Stop it," he said softly,

"Stop what?"

"You're only doing this because you're punishing yourself, you're upset, and maybe, this wasn't supposed to happen yet," he paused, "did you ever really think it wouldn't happen, ever?"

"I used you, I used you to forget," she said, struggling more than ever to keep the tears at bay.

"I didn't stop you," he said quietly, pausing, "Did you love him?"

"Did I love who?"

"Bosco, did you love him back?"

She looked at him, white sheets gathered, covering her bare skin, eyes quickly filling with tears as the memories of the day before that she had been trying to block came flooding back, "No," she eventually replied, her green eyes piercing his, "Not in the way he loved me," realizing what she just said, a hand came to her mouth, like she was shocked she had said the words.

"It's ok, to say it,"

"He died, yesterday, it is not ok," she said, a tear rolling down her cheek,

He didn't say anything, instead, he pulled her back towards him, and wrapped his arms around her trembling form. "We can't do this," she said, trying to pull away,

"Says who?"

"The rules," she whispered, as every emotion possible coursed through her, tugging at her heart as he softly kissed her neck.

"You're the boss," he said, kissing her again.

"It doesn't work like that and you know it,"

"Why don't you just stop thinking about it," he whispered, tightening his hold on her,

"What? And think about something else, like Red John, or the fact that... Bosco and two other innocent people are dead? That's how we ended up here, because we both wanted to stop thinking," she said desperately,

"Is that the only reason?" he asked, as she turned her tear stained face towards him.

She just looked at him, "Stop talking," she whispered, as she kissed him.

"I'm guessing that was a no then,"

"Shut up," she whispered, kissing him again, and knowing he was right.

**Pleaaaase review! I hate it when people favourite your fics then don't review... it's quite depressing. Not that i don't appreciate the favourites, i really do, but i appreciate reviews as well :P**

**xxxxxxxxxx**


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